You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
