just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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