cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
