I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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