so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize