Got a toothbrush?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.