I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
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aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
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Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
And then my night got REAL pukey
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.