You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
