I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.