I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
