he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's official drugs can't kill me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.