i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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