I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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