I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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