A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
