is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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