having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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