Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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