my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
