and she was petting her beer can
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
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i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
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