Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
