so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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