it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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