Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Actions speak louder than pants.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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