There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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