Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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