I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
