it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
