we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
