I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Oh god it's open bar.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
