I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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