i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Boobs speak an international language.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
