She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
