Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
