when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
