never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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