when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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