My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
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Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
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Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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