I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
