why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
