Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
