I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
