What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
