We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
