Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
