Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
