this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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