I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
