The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
