Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
