We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
