I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
