He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
