Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
