Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
