no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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