god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
