I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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