He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
