for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
