this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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