so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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