She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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