i will never coherently bang her
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
