My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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