Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
