Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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